Every once in a while, I am approached to give life coaching tips to a certain segment of people struggling with emotional issues which hinder them from moving on in life. A leading female magazine was asking me a series of questions from a group of ladies around 20-plus of age. It will be out in Nov issue but below is my actual transcript.
- There is no hard and fast rule to how long it takes to move on. But are there ways to tell if you’re truly ready to?
- How would you advice girls to build up on their emotional resilience? Are there any tips on how girls can reflect on their relationship to help them? How can they tell if they’re dwelling on the past instead of reflecting?
- Many people often advise these girls to go out and do something different, something that’s not part of their usual routine. For example, going to new places or meeting new people. How effective is this advice is helping her move on? What are some things you would recommend she could do to get out of her routine?
- What are some ways that girls can build up their confidence again to prepare themselves for dating? Dating sites often recommend that she do something for herself, like learning a new skill or hobby. What do you think?
- Two common mistakes girls seem to make is to dwell too long on the past or jumping back into the dating scene too fast. How do you advice girls handle their breakups in a healthy way?
- Any other tips on how girls can prepare themselves to get back into the dating scene?
1. When are you truly ready?
– when you can talk about the previous relationship with feeling emotional and crying.
– when you are fullt aware of the lessons drawn from the last relationship and be able to advise others to avoid similar pitfalls if any.
– when you can see the person again and wont feel the hurt anymore on other occassion.
2. How would you advice girls to build up on their emotional resilience? Being emotional is part and parcel of being a woman, there is no way to be resilent without the danger of being emotionally shut-down. Rather, re-visit some of your criteria for a life partner. This list should be adjusted as you grow older. Realise that life is a lot more complicated than what the movies portray. Learn to make more guy friends who are buddies to get into the minds of men on how to manage them better.
3. What are some things you would recommend she could do to get out of her routine? For those who are very much into their comfort zones, there are equally good opportunity too. If you are more of a online person, try participating in friendly discussion of your friends’ wall on Facebook and get to know new people. Whenever there is a house warming, a BBQ invite, a cocktail party by a client, etc, just go and attend. You do not need to look out for such events actively but learn to make yourself available and be present. You wont know what are you going to meet next.
4. What are some ways that girls can build up their confidence again to prepare themselves for dating? Dating sites are not recommended at all. There is no mutual friends, you only depend on one dimension of sensory experience from the communication – texts. While it is true that online dating has its own charm of mystery, people are usually very opposite in real life…if they have a life at all to begin with. If you like mystery and enjoy playing a game with destiny, do something really creatively and design social contact cards and drop them in between pages of books in bookstore, or on tables of cafes. The next person who pick them up may be the one you have been waiting for.
Learn a new skill only if you really want to. However, do not start a relationship with anyone just based on the same interest. Having the same interest may be the only common thing you share.
Invest more time in improving your art of communications, pick up skills in personality profiling. All these help you to understand and assess character of the guys you are seeing.
5. How do you advice girls handle their breakups in a healthy way? Breaking up is never easy. If you are on the receiving end of breaking, the guy will usually not want to do this face to face. It is naturally for ladies to seek a reason for the break up and demand a good closure. However, in life, sometimes you do not really have closeure for everything. Learn to move on and always be positive. Tell yourself you are never too old or too bad to look for love, as long as you feel there is someone out there, just continue seaching and be pro active about it. The other party may also be actuvely searching for you.
Even if you are cheated, tell yourself if there are counterfeit gentlemen around, there must also be real ones. You never find a fake $3 bill because there isnt real ones in the first place.
Lastly do not compare your story with others, everyone’s life is differently. We are all hurt emotionally one time or the other. We can never measure who suffer most and why we suffer, the answer to life success lies in How do you bounce back from deafeat. Remember : There is no such thing as failure in life, only feedback!
6. Any other tips on how girls can prepare themselves to get back into the dating scene?
O.P.E.R.A – tips on how girls can prepare themselves to get back into the dating scene?
a. Be Open. Go and meet new people. Casual dating is just a quality time of knowing a person in detail. No committment at this stage whatsoever.
b. Be Passionate….about Life! Do not be a negative person. People you get in touch with often will move away from you as they often feel dragged down by someone who is constantly negative. A negative person is NEVER an attractive person.
c. Be Engaging. Learn to make time for social activities. You cannot afford to let things unfold on its own. If you can spare time for gym, spa, manicure, etc, you surely can make time to drop by some social singles parties.
d. Be Ready. Learn to read more books on relationship and also from other gender. Do not keep going back to other girlfriends for advice. Most of the time they end up telling you things you already know as a lady.
e. Be Authentic. You may not be the prettiest, but be true to yourself. Learn to communicate your essence and be confident, not proud. Someone will notice you. Life is like a jig saw puzzle, the missing piece is exclusive