Are You My Type – Single ladies Workshop on Enneagram

The Perfectionist (the One)

Perfectionists are realistic, conscientious, and principled. They strive to live up to their high ideals.

What I Like About Being a One

  • being self-disciplined and able to accomplish a great deal
  • working hard to make the world a better place
  • having high standards and ethics; not compromising myself
  • being reasonable, responsible, and dedicated in everything I do
  • being able to put facts together, coming to good understandings, and figuring out wise solutions
  • being the best I can be and bringing out the best in other people

What’s Hard About Being a One

  • being disappointed with myself or others when my expectations are not met
  • feeling burdened by too much responsibility
  • thinking that what I do is never good enough
  • not being appreciated for what I do for people
  • being upset because others aren’t trying as hard as I am
  • obsessing about what I did or what I should do
  • being tense, anxious, and taking things too seriously

Ones as Children Often

  • criticize themselves in anticipation of criticism from others
  • refrain from doing things that they think might not come out perfect
  • focus on living up to the expectations of their parents and teachers
  • are very responsible; may assume the role of parent
  • hold back negative emotions (“good children aren’t angry”)

Ones as Parents

  • teach their children responsibility and strong moral values
  • are consistent and fair
  • discipline firmly

How to Get Along with Me

  • Take your share of the responsibility so I don’t end up with all the work.
  • Acknowledge my achievements.
  • I’m hard on myself. Reassure me that I’m fine the way I am.
  • Tell me that you value my advice.
  • Be fair and considerate, as I am.
  • Apologize if you have been un-thoughtful. It will help me to forgive.
  • Gently encourage me to lighten up and to laugh at myself when I get uptight, but hear my worries first.

The Helper (the Two)

Helpers are warm, concerned, nurturing, and sensitive to other people’s needs.

What I Like About Being a Two

  • being able to relate easily to people and to make friends
  • knowing what people need and being able to make their lives better
  • being generous, caring, and warm
  • being sensitive to and perceptive about others’ feelings
  • being enthusiastic and fun-loving, and having a good sense of humor

What’s Hard About Being a Two

  • not being able to say no
  • having low self-esteem
  • feeling drained from overdoing for others
  • not doing things I really like to do for myself for fear of being selfish
  • criticizing myself for not feeling as loving as I think I should
  • being upset that others don’t tune in to me as much as I tune in to them
  • working so hard to be tactful and considerate that I suppress my real feelings

Twos as Children Often

  • are very sensitive to disapproval and criticism
  • try hard to please their parents by being helpful and understanding
  • are outwardly compliant
  • are popular or try to be popular with other children
  • act coy, precocious, or dramatic in order to get attention
  • are clowns and jokers (the more extroverted Twos), or quiet and shy (the more introverted Twos)

Twos as Parents

  • are good listeners, love their children unconditionally, and are warm and encouraging (or suffer guilt if they aren’t)
  • are often playful with their children
  • wonder: “Am I doing it right?” “Am I giving enough?” “Have I caused irreparable damage?”
  • can become fiercely protective

How to Get Along with Me

  • Tell me that you appreciate me. Be specific.
  • Share fun times with me.
  • Take an interest in my problems, though I will probably try to focus on yours.
  • Let me know that I am important and special to you.
  • Be gentle if you decide to criticize me.

The Achiever (the Three)

Achivers are energetic, optimistic, self-assured, and goal oriented.

What I Like About Being a Three

  • being optimistic, friendly, and upbeat
  • providing well for my family
  • being able to recover quickly from setbacks and to charge ahead to the next challenge
  • staying informed, knowing what’s going on
  • being competent and able to get things to work efficiently
  • being able to motivate people

What’s Hard About Being a Three

  • having to put up with inefficiency and incompetence
  • the fear on not being — or of not being seen as — successful
  • comparing myself to people who do things better
  • struggling to hang on to my success
  • putting on facades in order to impress people
  • always being “on.” It’s exhausting.

Threes as Children Often

  • work hard to receive appreciation for their accomplishments
  • are well liked by other children and by adults
  • are among the most capable and responsible children in their class or school
  • are active in school government and clubs or are quietly busy working on their own projects

Threes as Parents

  • are consistent, dependable, and loyal
  • struggle between wanting to spend time with their children and wanting to get more work done
  • expect their children to be responsible and organized

How to Get Along with Me

  • Leave me alone when I am doing my work.
  • Give me honest, but not unduly critical or judgmental, feedback.
  • Help me keep my environment harmonious and peaceful.
  • Don’t burden me with negative emotions.
  • Tell me you like being around me.
  • Tell me when you’re proud of me or my accomplishments.


The Romantic (the Four)

Romantics have sensitive feelings and are warm and perceptive.

What I Like About Being a Four

  • my ability to find meaning in life and to experience feeling at a deep level
  • my ability to establish warm connections with people
  • admiring what is noble, truthful, and beautiful in life
  • my creativity, intuition, and sense of humour
  • being unique and being seen as unique by others
  • having aesthetic sensibilities
  • being able to easily pick up the feelings of people around me

What’s Hard About Being a Four

  • experiencing dark moods of emptiness and despair
  • feelings of self-hatred and shame; believing I don’t deserve to be loved
  • feeling guilty when I disappoint people
  • feeling hurt or attacked when someone misunderstands me
  • expecting too much from myself and life
  • fearing being abandoned
  • obsessing over resentments
  • longing for what I don’t have

Fours as Children Often

  • have active imaginations: play creatively alone or organize playmates in original game s
  • are very sensitive
  • feel that they don’t fit in
  • believe they are missing something that other people have
  • attach themselves to idealized teachers, heroes, artists, etc.
  • become antiauthoritarian or rebellious when criticized or not understood
  • feel lonely or abandoned (perhaps as a result of a death or their parents’ divorce)

Fours as Parents

  • help their children become who they really are
  • support their children’s creativity and originality
  • are good at helping their children get in touch with their feelings
  • are sometimes overly critical or overly protective
  • are usually very good with children if not too self-absorbed

How to Get Along with Me

  • Give me plenty of compliments. They mean a lot to me.
  • Be a supportive friend or partner. Help me to learn to love and value myself.
  • Respect me for my special gifts of intuition and vision.
  • Though I don’t always want to be cheered up when I’m feeling melancholy, I sometimes like to have someone lighten me up a little.
  • Don’t tell me I’m too sensitive or that I’m overreacting!

The Observer (the Five)

Observers have a need for knowledge and are introverted, curious, analytical, and insightful.

What I Like About Being a Five

  • standing back and viewing life objectively
  • coming to a thorough understanding; perceiving causes and effects
  • my sense of integrity: doing what I think is right and not being influenced by social pressure
  • not being caught up in material possessions and status
  • being calm in a crisis

What’s Hard About Being a Five

  • being slow to put my knowledge and insights out in the world
  • feeling bad when I act defensive or like a know-it-all
  • being pressured to be with people when I don’t want to be
  • watching others with better social skills, but less intelligence or technical skill, do better professionally

Fives as Children Often

  • spend a lot of time alone reading, making collections, and so on
  • have a few special friends rather than many
  • are very bright and curious and do well in school
  • have independent minds and often question their parents and teachers
  • watch events from a detached point of view, gathering information
  • assume a poker face in order not to look afraid
  • are sensitive; avoid interpersonal conflict
  • feel intruded upon and controlled and/or ignored and neglected

Fives as Parents

  • are often kind, perceptive, and devoted
  • are sometimes authoritarian and demanding
  • may expect more intellectual achievement than is developmentally appropriate
  • may be intolerant of their children expressing strong emotions

How to Get Along with Me

  • Be independent, not clingy.
  • Speak in a straightforward and brief manner.
  • I need time alone to process my feelings and thoughts.
  • Remember that If I seem aloof, distant, or arrogant, it may be that I am feeling uncomfortable.
  • Make me feel welcome, but not too intensely, or I might doubt your sincerity.
  • If I become irritated when I have to repeat things, it may be because it was such an effort to get my thoughts out in the first place.
  • don’t come on like a bulldozer.
  • Help me to avoid my pet peeves: big parties, other people’s loud music, overdone emotions, and intrusions on my privacy.

The Questioner (the Six)

Questioners are responsible, trustworthy, and value loyalty to family, friends, groups, and causes. Their personalities range broadly from reserved and timid to outspoken and confrontative.

What I Like About Being a Six

  • being committed and faithful to family and friends
  • being responsible and hardworking
  • being compassionate toward others
  • having intellect and wit
  • being a nonconformist
  • confronting danger bravely
  • being direct and assertive

What’s Hard About Being a Six

  • the constant push and pull involved in trying to make up my mind
  • procrastinating because of fear of failure; having little confidence in myself
  • fearing being abandoned or taken advantage of
  • exhausting myself by worrying and scanning for danger
  • wishing I had a rule book at work so I could do everything right
  • being too critical of myself when I haven’t lived up to my expectations

Sixes as Children Often

  • are friendly, likable, and dependable, and/or sarcastic, bossy, and stubborn
  • are anxious and hyper-vigilant; anticipate danger
  • form a team of “us against them” with a best friend or parent
  • look to groups or authorities to protect them and/or question authority and rebel
  • are neglected or abused, come from unpredictable or alcoholic families, and/or take on the fearfulness of an overly anxious parent

Sixes as Parents

  • are often loving, nurturing, and have a strong sense of duty
  • are sometimes reluctant to give their children independence
  • worry more than most that their children will get hurt
  • sometimes have trouble saying no and setting boundaries

How to Get Along with Me

  • Be direct and clear.
  • Listen to me carefully.
  • Don’t judge me for my anxiety.
  • Work things through with me.
  • Reassure me that everything is OK between us.
  • Laugh and make jokes with me.
  • Gently push me toward new experiences.
  • Try not to overreact to my overreacting.

The Adventurer (the Seven)

Adventurers are energetic, lively, and optimistic. They want to contribute to the world.

What I Like About Being a Seven

  • being optimistic and not letting life’s troubles get me down
  • being spontaneous and free-spirited
  • being outspoken and outrageous. It’s part of the fun.
  • being generous and trying to make the world a better place
  • having the guts to take risks and to try exciting adventures
  • having such varied interests and abilities

What’s Hard About Being a Seven

  • not having enough time to do all the things I want
  • not completing things I start
  • not being able to profit from the benefits that come from specializing; not making a commitment to a career
  • having a tendency to be ungrounded; getting lost in plans or fantasies
  • feeling confined when I’m in a one-to-one relationship

Sevens as Children Often

  • are action oriented and adventuresome
  • drum up excitement
  • prefer being with other children to being alone
  • finesse their way around adults
  • dream of the freedom they’ll have when they grow up

Sevens as Parents

  • are often enthusiastic and generous
  • want their children to be exposed to many adventures in life
  • may be too busy with their own activities to be attentive

How to Get Along with Me

  • Give me companionship, affection, and freedom.
  • Engage with me in stimulating conversation and laughter.
  • Appreciate my grand visions and listen to my stories.
  • Don’t try to change my style. Accept me the way I am.
  • Be responsible for yourself. I dislike clingy or needy people.
  • Don’t tell me what to do.


The Asserter (the Eight)

Asserters are direct, self-reliant, self-confident, and protective.

What I Like About Being a Eight

  • being independent and self-reliant
  • being able to take charge and meet challenges head on
  • being courageous, straightforward, and honest
  • getting all the enjoyment I can out of life
  • supporting, empowering, and protecting those close to me
  • upholding just causes

What’s Hard About Being a Eight

  • overwhelming people with my bluntness; scaring them away when I don’t intend to
  • being restless and impatient with others’ incompetence
  • sticking my neck out for people and receiving no appreciation for it
  • never forgetting injuries or injustices
  • putting too much pressure on myself
  • getting high blood pressure when people don’t obey the rules or when things don’t go right

Eights as Children Often

  • are independent; have an inner strength and a fighting spirit
  • are sometimes loners
  • seize control so they won’t be controlled
  • fugure out others’ weaknesses
  • attack verbally or physically when provoked
  • take charge in the family because they perceive themselves as the strongest, or grow up in difficult or abusive surroundings

Eights as Parents

  • are often loyal, caring, involved, and devoted
  • are sometimes overprotective
  • can be demanding, controlling, and rigid

How to Get Along with Me

  • Stand up for yourself… and me.
  • Be confident, strong, and direct.
  • Don’t gossip about me or betray my trust.
  • Be vulnerable and share your feelings. See and acknowledge my tender, vulnerable side.
  • Give me space to be alone.
  • Acknowledge the contributions I make, but don’t flatter me.
  • I often speak in an assertive way. Don’t automatically assume it’s a personal attack.
  • When I scream, curse, and stomp around, try to remember that’s just the way I am.


The Peacemaker (the Nine)

Peacemakers are receptive, good-natured, and supportive. They seek union with others and the world around them.

What I Like About Being a Nine

  • being nonjudgmental and accepting
  • caring for and being concerned about others
  • being able to relax and have a good time
  • knowing that most people enjoy my company; I’m easy to be around
  • my ability to see many different sides of an issue and to be a good mediator and facilitator
  • my heightened awareness of sensations, aesthetics, and the here and now
  • being able to go with the flow and feel one with the universe

What’s Hard About Being a Nine

  • being judged and misunderstood for being placid and/or indecisive
  • being critical of myself for lacking initiative and discipline
  • being too sensitive to criticism; taking every raised eyebrow and twitch of the mouth personally
  • being confused about what I really want
  • caring too much about what others will think of me
  • not being listened to or taken seriously

Nines as Children Often

  • feel ignored and that their wants, opinions, and feelings are unimportant
  • tune out a lot, especially when others argue
  • are “good” children: deny anger or keep it to themselves

Nines as Parents

  • are supportive, kind, and warm
  • are sometimes overly permissive or nondirective

How to Get Along with Me

  • If you want me to do something, how you ask is important. I especially don’t like expectations or pressure.
  • I like to listen and to be of service, but don’t take advantage of this.
  • Listen until I finish speaking, even though I meander a bit.
  • Give me time to finish things and make decisions. It’s OK to nudge me gently and non-judgmentally.
  • Ask me questions to help me get clear.
  • Tell me when you like how I look. I’m not averse to flattery.
  • Hug me, show physical affection. It opens me up to my feelings.
  • I like a good discussion but not a confrontation.
  • Let me know you like what I’ve done or said.
  • Laugh with me and share in my enjoyment of life.

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